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- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
- Stutter on the letter “p.”
- Ask for a deal available somewhere else.
- Ask what the order taker is wearing.
- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
- Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
- Rent a pizza.
- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
- Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
- Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker’s voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
- Play a sitar in the background.
- Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Quote Newt Gingrich.
- Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
- Report a petty theft to the order taker.
- Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
- Try to talk while drinking something.
- Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
- After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
- Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
- State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
- Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
- Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
- Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
- Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
- Put them on hold.
- Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
- Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ’sauce smothered with meat’.”
- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
- When you’ge given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
- Haggle.
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order term life insurance.
- When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
- Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
- Engage in some serious swapping.
- Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
- Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
- Order a steamed pizza.
- Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
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- Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
- Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
- Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
- Two words: Chicken suit.
- Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
- Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
- Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
- Stop at the green lights.
- Go at the red ones.
- Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
- Eat food that requires silverware.
- Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
- At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
- Honk frequently without motivation.
- Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
- At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
- Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
- Restart your car at every stop light.
- Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
- Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
- Keep at least five cats in the car.
- Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
- If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
- Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
- Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
- Stop and collect roadkill.
- Stop and pray for roadkill.
- Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
- Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
- Get in the fast lane and gradually… slow… down… to…a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
- Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
- Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! Wrong state!”
- Sing without having the radio on.
- At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off.
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- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!’
- Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?’
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, ‘Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!’
- Meow occasionally.
- Frown and mutter ‘gotta go, gotta go’ then sigh and say ‘oops!’
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler ‘Chutes away!’ whenever the elevator descends.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers ‘through’ it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask ‘is that your beeper?’
- Play the harmonica.
- Say ‘Ding!’ at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say ‘I wonder what all these do’ and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’
- Bring a chair along.
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear ‘X-Ray Specs’ and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say ‘I think it’s getting larger.’
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler ‘Bad touch!’
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- My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
- Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female seeking a date or friendship, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
- “Hi. Now you say something.”
- “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
- “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”
- (From Japanese friend ) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!
- “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
- Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
- “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
- “This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
- “Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”
- “Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”
- “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. “Even a fish wouldn’t get into trouble, if it keeps the mouth shut”
